Sweet Little Lie

If I ask you to break me down to pieces
I mean take the knife and put it where it hurts the most
Please don't spare me, because I can't spare a second more
The day you fixed these damaged goods
was the day I forgot what I was writing for
Because these days I write like shit
I can't get back to it, the way I felt when I was broken
I need it more than I know
I'm not whole without the suffocation of unsettling
I need to be unstable to swim
Who knew when you put me back together again
it would be the end of everything
so I guess in the end it was the pain that made me feel real
And the emptiness of now, it's just a seal
it covers the scars that have now fully healed
Or did you not notice?
And I could cry forever Because they helped me remember
Did it really happen
Did anyone care at all
I'm not a little girl anymore
but I still fall
over and over and over again
Don't think I can't pretend , I've made a living out of it
My smile might just make you fly
If you find what you want in hell's abyss
You'll find what you want in a sweet little lie

28:06:42:12

I'm just a lost voice in an infinite space
Sometimes I give up and the silence returns
And then it comes back seeping out in calloused and unpretty syllables
And sometimes I'm just screaming
But I'm scared to death that someone will hear me.

I didn't forget. I don't want to.

I like to think of the best times of my life in snow globes

Preserved in the perfection that they were
When we loved each other
So even though we don't anymore
we still have the proof that it was real
You weren't a mistake.
I need you to know that.
I need you to know it's okay that we moved on
We were supposed to
and all the hurt and anger and the jealousy and the pain and the darkness
We needed that to.
I think we just got stuck staring at the snowglobes trying to find a way in
Instead of appreciating them for what they are.
You don't talk to me anymore
So I have no way of knowing
But I hope someday when you think about us, you can smile.

Here's your happy ending

Once upon a time there was a little girl
She grew up in her own little fairytale
With ribbons and ponies and fairies at hand
And all of the world was her playland
She could have anything she ever dreamed
With only one restriction to learn:
"Don't go into the woods,
For if you do you will never return"
The little girl did not understand
Why she must stay in her playland
and avoid the evil woods
that intrigued her where the shadows stood
She made up her mind despite consequence
she must explore this labyrinth
She left in the middle of a moonlit night
and noone knew of her secret plight
The sun found it's way back in the morning, but she did not
And that's the last anyone knew of this plot.
And the girl?
Well, shes around.
But, you have to go in, she can't come out
So call it darkness or something else.
But you know what this is really about.
We all go into the woods and never come out.

top 5 album art

That metal show on vh1 classics inspired me to do this. This is my top 5 album art of recent-ish years:

#5 Fall Out Boy- Infinity On High
I don't know there is just something about a sheep with wings.....












#4 Chiodos- Bone Palace Ballet
I had a picture of this taped to my mirror in highschool. This is the album that got me into Chiodos













#3 Brand New- Deja Entendu
This is just epic artwork and an epic album













#2 The Used- Lies for the Liars
It was hard for me to choose just one cover of the used albums. Honestly they are all amazing












#1 Underoath- They're Only Chasing Safety
This image will be burned in my mind forever.

portraits pt 1

He touched it to his lips and felt all the power and calm of the world slide through him
Sometimes you experience a moment- one second that changes your life
because we arent running out of time- its all we have
but i cant stop because if i let myself. stop. and think.
It's always you.
it was always you.

portraits pt 2

He stood from his hill and looked down but in the wrong direction
He knew they were behind him, coming for him
To spill his blood and cover the earth with it before they burned away the surface
Everyone else was gone. Killed or run away to live as the dead do.
He heard the drums. Hollow, stiff, and metallic. They lacked the souls of the drums he knew.

He knew things they never would.
So when they came for him he was looking away. Thinking what a beautiful sight.
And when he fell, the earth took him with love.

I wonder if everyone else can see right through me like he does
I get mad when he tells me how fake I am.
"So why are you with me" I ask him.
"If I'm so damn terrible, why waste your time?"
Because it's worth it, he tells me.
It's worth it for the fleeting moments that you are real, Because it makes me feel the happiest and most fulfilled I ever have in my life.
I wish I could give him that all the time.
The problem is I can't tell the difference. If I'm so fake and have so many fronts, then I've been doing it for so long that they have blended together and become an integral part of who I am. Or who I think I am. Isn't that what we all are anyway? Just a blur of how we see ourselves and who everyone else thinks we are. I used to think I was a songwriter. Then a poet. Then an artist. But I'm looking around, and I have no paint, no knowledge of more than 5 chords. And I don't rhyme.
I have two basil plants I've managed to keep alive more than a week. So right now who I am is an accomplished gardener. A nurturer. A protector. A guardian. I wonder if that's how he sees me. If that's as real as it gets.

I swear you made my heart beat. And my blood move. You made it easy to live. You were the only reason I needed. I followed you down and I met your pretty friends
and I saw them do their pretty drugs on bathroom counters in places that became like home. And when you smiled I smiled. And when you moved the world I felt validated.
And we carried each other and you never let me down. And I met more of your pretty friends and their buses they called home. And no matter how bad it got, I always had you.

I don't know what happened.
Sometimes I feel like I've lost you.
You're friends are still around. But they aren't so pretty anymore. And your skeletons still litter my house. Beautiful dusty strings and wood and metal. Waiting.

relate

Alexithymia

Pronunciation: /ə-ˌleks-i-ˈthī-mē-ə/
Function: n
: inability to express one's feelings



Are you where you thought you'd be
So beautiful and only twenty-three
Opposition rests in the hearts
With no, with no, with no opportunity
It's not that we don't talk
It's just no one really listens and honesty fades
Like a politician lost in the course
All smiles and no one remembers our names
-Anberlin

What you are

A shell a wall, screaming for attention behind it
Calculated, predictable.
You're just like the rest of them
I couldn't open you up either
I should have known better.
But don't worry
It will work on plenty of other girls too.
Have fun.
Just know I'm not listening anymore.

"This isn't just goodbye
This is I can't stand you"

because I know what you could be.

title.

All I ever wanted is for you to scream it in my face.

I won't always love what I'll never have

I know I've left before
And I said I was going to do it again. And I am.
But I'd really like to say goodbye. And a lot of other things.

Pine(tree)

You've got to let it go
And once you do, maybe you can tell me how

Someone help me make this?

[Screamed]
when you fall let me know
a million times

[sung]
but ill be gone this time next year
the winters cold wont find me there
Burying images I meant to forget
Hiding the seasons along with regret

[screamed]
but I keep thinking about the winter
so who were you to draw me back
to this town I thought I left

[sung]
And if we were friends maybe you’d scream in my songs
[screamed]
the words I keep in
[sung]
yeah, but you knew all along
maybe if you lifted a finger for something other than drums
yeah but it was my fault
so scream for me now
[screamed]
come on scream for me now
[just screaming]

[sung]
but ill be gone this time next year
the winters cold wont find me there
Burying images I meant to forget
Hiding the seasons along with regret

[screamed]
but I keep thinking about the winter
so who were you to draw me back
to this town I thought I left


[sung]
I wanted out of this place
you said you’d take me away
and I was your chance to really be something
You said I was scared but it was you who held back
and you disappeared when I let you in

I need to make this right.
But I cant be friends tonight
I finally learned my lesson
Stay away from alchemy
unless you want the poison

family

some songs save lives

"And if these are my parting words
Then this, my last request
Hold me here, until I sleep
If I burn, then I burn for you"
-Anberlin

i promise.

You're not alone.

tree.

You're scared I get it
I made you this way
so I'm trying not to hurt
because I gave you my body
but you cant give me your heart
I get it.

What can I say I miss your eyes, nothing more

I cried and I screamed and I felt and I knew that I loved you
and letting go of everything before today is the only way to get through
rain and blades and dirty stages
threaten pure fairytales
that were never pure at all
and black winged fairies blind my eyes with magic dust
falling to earth after their job is done
they walk among us
With blue eyes and cold hearts
tell me what is real, when I loved the music because it saved
Ironic that it might change
to everything I hate becoming everything I love
as shallow as the black eyeliner flicked on the corners of the universe
Tempt me I am the temptress
I am your black winged devil
Crying for sunshine.
Lost in this city.
It will go one way or the other.
or another.
The thing about reaching for the light is you're doing it from the shadows
and the demons that lurk there aren't tired.

The Neither Route

Ive got some inspiration so I can write better in a state of desolation
Maybe Im better alone where I can run without being followed
Ill never learn. I want your attention as much as I crave your contempt
He was right when he said what I'd never be if I never left
All roads lead somewhere And I've never walked this one before
Ill bury you in tourbuses and new cities
As much As I try I can't pretend I don't feel more alive
Dirty and left out but Im at the top
And every song about me is another victory
Its vanity, maybe sick, but its also for the kids
I'll miss your puppeteering
I'll miss the bed we made
But it's better to be hurting
Than watch the fire fade.

tonight, not again.

You tore me out of my fairytale with one look and one lick of your perfect fucking lips
and now all I can think about is your devastating eyes
the ones you looked at me with when you told me you would keep me forever
and the mouth that dropped the lines that made me sway made me a monster made me hurt him
I break concrete falling down for you.

Something you should know.

I told myself I couldn't stay for a boy
I painted myself brave and then drove away
Self deprecating vanity hid the grief
And when it leaked so did the blood held in my wrists
And we kept on fighting with balled up fists and pain
we replaced with a drunken kiss

We survived but I didn't realize...
I told myself I couldn't stay
That's exactly what I did
He wasn't the boy I thought I left
The boy the summer hid
Guitars are loud and blue eyes pretty
but yours were the ones that brought me back to this city.

And Fate in it's beautifully wicked demeanor
knew that coming back was not the cure
And time slipped by and our words slowed
and in driveways once shared we stood alone

We made our choices, we disregarded the voices
the ones that told us to take the risks
to break our fears and save our wrists
and throw out those pills for good
But we learned on our own time
and we found replacements that became another reason to rhyme

I'm not saying im not happy now
Or that given the chance I would change it all
It's just that I can't see your eyes
So I don't know what's going on inside
To decipher feelings and truth;
What I didn't realize on that northbound drive
I was coming back to you.

If this is just a part I portray.

In my second life you won.

We got a place and lived in the sun

It was more than a fairy tale.

And then the second him came along.

I still check

Should I not?